Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
From my Mom
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Holy moly
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR