“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory