Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
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After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.