[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?


I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.


Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.


Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.


I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.


I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.


[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”


interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i’m so sorry

me: don’t be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i’m not an idiot.


me: i’m gonna kill its dad


YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity