[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.