If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.