If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”
I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed