@BlindChow

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

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@2tickytacky

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

@CrockettForReal

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@ThePocketJustin

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

@lovemyboots111

I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off

@TheRolo

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

@IndecisiveJones

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed