@TheUrbanSlangs

Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

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@GrantTanaka

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

@miffedmim

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

@MarlaCaceres

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

@toomanycommas3

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

@KKAlThani

Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.

@ibid78

Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”

@Mr_Kapowski

FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*