[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
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1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
A fake ID that makes you younger
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”