[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Green is just blue that someone peed in
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE