Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
dream blunt rotation
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.