DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!



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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.


There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.


If I ever owned a funeral home, I would name it “Remains To Be Seen”.


“Can we FaceTime?”

Me – No I’m busy

“Doing what?”

Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.


I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”


Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.


I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.


I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.


Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.