@scot7a

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

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@Contwixt

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

@TheDanielleRock

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

@glenc217

If I ever owned a funeral home, I would name it “Remains To Be Seen”.

@PivotBitch

“Can we FaceTime?”

Me – No I’m busy

“Doing what?”

Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.

@mops16_

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

@ravenswng_

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.