DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I bet birds love this building.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me too
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.