*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
So creative 😂
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day