DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.