Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Based Erika
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have