Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you

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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog


MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”


Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.


Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh


what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”


hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER


Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.