1. Don’t die.
Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
You Might Also Like
Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin’s friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
this is me
People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A bad carpenter blames his tools and goes into the messiah business.