@DeanOkay

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this

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@eeethanford

Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin’s friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
Kevin: bro

@BigPlanetEarth

People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@ojedge

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.