DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
scrabbled eggs
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast