@HenpeckedHal

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

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@AdamUrbane

Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.

@maurajbg

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@StuForReal

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

@murrman5

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

@FunnyBison

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

@

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@SCbchbum

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

@natalietran

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International