Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

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Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.


ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.


Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*


Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*


[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes


Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.




My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.


*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International