*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
You Might Also Like
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The Punning Dead.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I support this random dude and all his protests
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.