I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Air conditioning – not a fan
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.