@dreamthievin

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

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@AaronFullerton

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

@sullivem

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

@xLiserx

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

@JohnLyonTweets

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

@Kryzazy

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

@david8hughes

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?