Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.

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Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…


blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”


I’m going to open a restaurant and call it I Don’t Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask


Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.


My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.


me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new


Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.


My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?


ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something


What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?