@lovemyboots111

Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.

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@PatsATweetin

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

@dadmann_walking

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

@remington3000

I’m going to open a restaurant and call it I Don’t Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask

@Laser_Cat

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

@carlyken

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

@GrantTanaka

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

@sofarrsogud

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?