@lovemyboots111

Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.

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@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@jonnysun

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

@LizHackett

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@Stellar_AF

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

@Petote

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@TheTweetOfGod

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@wickedimproper

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”