Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit