dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl: “ew”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”

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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.


Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*


“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”


My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.


This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.


I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.


[at a russian casino]

husband: I don’t know, this roulette looks kinda weird.

wife: ffs gary, would it kill you to try something new!