Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
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this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it