@KeetPotato

dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl: “ew”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”

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@Maxine12333

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

@BoogTweets

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

@DrCephalopod

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

@JasonNotEvil

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

@RealSudoNim

This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.

@ShanaRose21

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

@MaybePileJokes

[at a russian casino]

husband: I don’t know, this roulette looks kinda weird.

wife: ffs gary, would it kill you to try something new!