Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Sheep
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
i’m sure it’s fine
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.