“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Squirrels before girls.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair