*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four