“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Ironic
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!