Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
“Knight to f3”
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“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”
Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”
Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”
Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”
Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me