@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

You Might Also Like

@Chhapiness

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

@Hellaphantitis

“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

@Daniel_Sugarman

Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”

@Goddamnit_Jason

Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

@realfunghi

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

@Just_Lee_

When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.

@ghostkrogh

every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again

@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@GloriaFallon123

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me