“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me driving through Toronto
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
This meal prepping shit easy
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My wife gives the best headache.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife