I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs