Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya