Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
notice
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’