Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”
— First person to find a mummy
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking