dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People