Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.