ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
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Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Sarcasm is like hitting someone in the face with a bat, but with words.
I don’t like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Coworker: Man, it was cold last night!
Me: I had my heat on.
CW: I meant outside.
Me: I don’t live outside.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years