Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.