When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.
Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
You Might Also Like
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.