dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
He wanted to make sure😂
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Life is a suicide mission.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: