dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*


Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”


“Your storage is full” thanks Apple, I’ll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I’ll always have the stocks app


After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.


Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.



me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?


I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit


Me: I’m feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over?


Me: Good answer


Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”