@relatabledad

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

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@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

@copymama

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

@jonni_howard

“Your storage is full” thanks Apple, I’ll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I’ll always have the stocks app

@THEPokerWife

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

@mishakey

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

@TheHyyyype

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

@Jamberee13

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

@sweet_pea707

Me: I’m feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over?

Him:…

Me: Good answer

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”