@abbycohenwl

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

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@sonictyrant

Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

@mjm866

My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.

@GrantTanaka

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

@Kaldruen

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

@_BurnsWhenIPee

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

@Rlpihl

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

@JediGigi

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

@tarashoe

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

@PinkCamoTO

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.