Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
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My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.