Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one