Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.