Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

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Therapist: what’s your problem today?

Me: I have this constant eye roll.

Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.


Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”


The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days


Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.


Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!


I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.


I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste


me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here


They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.