Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Breakfast for Stoners:
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman