Dude the goverment isn’t spying on you. You’re not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
“dont let him say that to you. You’re amazing”

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Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.


A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I’d go out to dinner with my parents


Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.


Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.


F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.


Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.


Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.


Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you


When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]


Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.