Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.