“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.