dude told me he did a line with Emma Watson but I know he was lying –
she’s British, they call them “queues”

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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late


I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.


Never ask a man if he is single. Instead ask him “is anyone under the impression that they are in a relationship with you?”


Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.


*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*


Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.


Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.


A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.


ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters