I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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why am I working on Labor Day
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.