Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”