@Danisrivera

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

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@MomOnFire

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

@SINGING_GHOSTS

i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats

@House_Feminist

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

@Swain_Train47

Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@BrettDruck

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”