@Danisrivera

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

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@River_Niles

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

@freudianscript

You know you’re suffering from stress when you have too much on your plate and it isn’t food.

@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

@1MeLrO

Can’t, I’m fighting over the space heater with the cat

@FatherofTweet

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”