Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.
I would totally waterboard you.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
*uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i’m a hobbit
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.