@david8hughes

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

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@pregnant_cat

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

@dumbbeezie

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

@sarcasticmommy4

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

@TheOnion

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

@TEN_GOP

Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?

@Owl_Meat

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

@ErrenMichaels

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.