Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.
Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.
Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.