“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys


(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it


Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.


Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once


Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?


[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle


Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.


Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.


Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.