“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
A completely valid reaction tbh
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.