What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
this has done me in for some reason
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft