Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me