Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!
I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[Scientist discovering catfish]
Scientist: What kind of fish are you?
Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*
A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don’t want anymore children living on our street.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[think of idiom]
firing on all cylinders
[post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation]
mr. on all cylinders, ur fired
[wait for 100+ faves]
My husband’s safe word is ‘CRAMP!’