@sanjanaa

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

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@_ISpeakTrue

Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents

@mom_ontherocks

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

@G_Faylor

[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.

@Laser_Cat

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

@BoomBoomBetty

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don’t want anymore children living on our street.

@somelightcrying

[think of idiom]
firing on all cylinders
[post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation]
mr. on all cylinders, ur fired
[wait for 100+ faves]