Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The “baby” on the left….