Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.