dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Every work meeting this week
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?