@molly7anne

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

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@fuzzlime

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

@batkaren

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

@stevefrigley

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

@ClichedOut

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

@trojansauce

*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect

@kimtopher22

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

@AGreaterMonster

*BUSTS DOWN DOOR*
*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”

– Me, someday

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@Book_Krazy

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.